i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
