mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
