I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
