Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
