Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
