I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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