i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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