and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.