he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think I won the penis lottery.
where am i from again
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.