this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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