I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
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Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
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These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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