just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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