Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Couch. On fire.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
