Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Randomize
