you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
