i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
