At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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