Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
