So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
