I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
