you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
