I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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