wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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