bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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