Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
