I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
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Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize