If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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