A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
