so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
