My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
