I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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