If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
