Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My hand turned me down
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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