Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
