also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!