sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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