Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.