just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
