i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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