The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
