He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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