I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We got so high we made milksteak
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
