God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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