i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
