even my farts smell like vagina
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
