I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
