Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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