I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
