I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
