John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
