god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize