Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
