Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
