My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize