I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
