So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
