I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
