we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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